I hope that Conor is not our last child. Chris and I aren't the only decision makers in the whole endeavor, but I do pray that Conor is not the youngest forever. Nor do I hope that he is a middle child. I see our lives with him as one of the oldest of our flock that I will clutch to my mothering heart.
If that prayer becomes will, I know that as each life is welcomed, I'll constantly look back over my shoulder to peer fondly at yesteryear as a mother of one, a mother of two, a mother of three, a mother of four and so on and so on. (How fun that will be!) But, we are a long way from that so, for now, I can only look back on life as a mother of one.
It is of my biased belief that I was not a typically paranoid first time mother to Ryan. I didn't even use a baby monitor! Five second rule? Ha, more like eleven second rule ... or more. Nevertheless, I kind of was. During our many, many hours of mother and babe solitude with his delightfully plump legs kicking at the sky, I fretted. Am I giving him enough eye contact? How much tummy time has he gotten? Are cloth diapers going to make him bow-legged? Has he gotten an adequate amount of poorly pronounced French cooed at him?
Am I ruining his life at this very moment??
Somehow Ryan still wants to hang out with me all the time so maybe I didn't ruin his life. Or maybe that means I did? The jury is still out.
Anyway, the short moments I have with Conor when it is just the two of us and his rolls don't keep company with the frets of my natural first-time motherhood. We cuddle. We coo. We do nothing but be the mother that I am now and the babe that he is.
Nothing seems like everything.
Photos from my lovely sister-in-law, Erin, from our time in California.
I love this. I had my third 8 months ago and all this resonates so profoundly. The contented joy that I experience just hanging out with my (first!) little guy is so palpable. We're just doing life and I love it. Now that my girls are five & three-I really see how quickly they grow from baby to toddler to child. And while my middle is still a cuddle bug, my eldest is always on the go and needs me to do less & less for her-which is so bizarre!! She of course needs me, but in a totally different way. I absolutely adore having a baby. And I feel it adds sweetness to ALL of my mothering. We're so blessed to have a cherub boys!
ReplyDeleteWhat gorgeous pictures—that Erin is quite the photographer!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post so much. I know that I will probably be that first-time mom who thinks she is soooo laid-back but actually just doesn't realize how much she worries. So beautiful that you feel able to enjoy motherhood even more now! I hope to have the same experience as we continue adding to our family. :)
So true! Ella is only a week old but I can relate- things feel do much more relaxed than when it was just J and me. Had to chuckle about the cloth diaper one tho- did someone tell you that cloth diapers make kids bow legged? Haha
ReplyDeleteIt is so comforting to hear this. I like to think I'm laid back, but deep down I know I'm not. I'm very interested to see how I'll be when the time comes to add #2 into the mix.
ReplyDeleteLove this post and the photos. Erin rocks... you both rock! I'm actually positive that it would be impossible for you to ruin anyone's life. XO
ReplyDeleteFirst, you may be the prettiest human being ever. Second, so true. We do learn to just mother and know that our children love us just for that. We're not ruining them, just doing our best because God gave us these exact children to care for. :-)
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