Sunday, May 18, 2014

Ev-everyday I'm Strugglin'

I just really like this photo. And this post needs some levity. 

I feel like whenever I draft a post detailing the woes of the trenches, I clearly see that I do not have the knack that bloggers like Grace and Ana do - to be able to narrate from the trenches while sounding hilarious, perfectly self-deprecating, ever the loving mother and someone you want to be your friend. When I read the drafts I write, I either have to wake myself up from the deep sleep I put myself into or I give myself a little side eye because dang, I sound like a beach (read that last word with what you imagine my mom's Filipino accent to be).

But really, I've been struggling. When I sit down with Chris at the end of the day, I look at him and tell him all about the cute moments of the day deserving of story telling and all the moments that are not really deserving of story telling but, hey, I birthed the lead characters. To be fair, I also tell him all the times I felt like I was drowning throughout the day.

My children are the apples of my eye, but they also make a mean humble pie. 

I'm not drowning because I hate this. No, I love it. But loving something doesn't make it invincible against moments of wide-eyed or tearily thinking, "What the ..." I'm just two years old in mom years. I can bounce a babe, make a mediocre dinner one-handed, nurse a baby while administering a spoonful of cod liver oil, but tantrums wreak havoc on this household, and quite a few of them are mine. I feel like I've been floating down the lazy river just going with the flow, and now, all of a sudden, I'm grasping for some semblance of control, and when something doesn't go my albeit poorly planned way, boom. T-A-N-T-R-U-M. It may seem impossible since I talk and talk and talk to Chris, but some feelings do end up getting bottled up, and when that bottle bursts, yikes. YIKES. I'm a dramatic mess living in a sometimes blessed mess ... and I'm so dramatic that I'm writing a blog post about it.

I think me going through this terrible two stage myself can help me be more compassionate with Ryan. Of course, he, himself, is in the throes of the terrible twos.  He throws tantrums further than patience can stretch thin and farther than the ear can hear. As convenient as it is, this seems to shine most when around people with zero kids or perfect kids. He would win gold at the tantrum throw in a hypothetical Toddler Olympics. I'm not just being a proud mom.

As most moms (okay, at least I hope I'm not the only one) are susceptible to thinking (as laughable as it is), I would occasionally think, "Oh, maybe Ryan will skip the terrible twos. He's always been stubborn, but look at him, he says, 'Kank you' or, "No skanks,' " Ha. I also clung to his electrocuted Einstein hair for months too long. Mom vision is very generous.

I sympathize with his crazy tantrums because I probably threw the ceremonial first tantrum of this parenting season. Heck, I threw a tantrum in the middle of writing this! 

So here we are, a duo in the dire and daunting dos (Chris is pretty even-keeled). Ryan's post-napocalyptic reaction is scary enough, but my temper tantrum when there is no nap or when a nap is threatened ... well, a fly on the wall would fall off the wall from being scared bodily-waste-less. And then I feel low. Really low. I hate losing it, let alone on an innocent and frustrated sweet boy no matter how many tantrums he has stored away. But, Ryan is swift to forgive. Quick to wrap his stubby arms around my chicken legs and say, "LoveyouMom," as one word. We say that we want childlike faith, but I want childlike forgiveness.

I should forgive myself for being a mom at two years. Well, for being the mom that I am at two years. Even when Chris kindly reminds me that it's okay to struggle with the plate I've gladly and willingly accepted, I'm quick to mention all the other moms that have more kids with less spacing or moms who work outside the home or moms who at least sweep up eleven of the cheerios out of the hundred on the ground. They do it better, I say! They don't struggle like I do, I say! I don't have the wisdom to not compare myself yet! After all, I probably top the jealousy charts. I know that I shouldn't, but I am so far from being able to not compare. 

I adored this piece by Simcha Fisher when I read it for the first time last year, but I am not at that point yet. I can squint my eyes and see a tiny bit of my hopefully virtuoso future self since it already seems at least a tiny bit easier with Conor, but I can't gain the broken in feeling of mother to many over night. My babies perfectly fit in the crook in my arm just so, they perfectly perch on my hip just so, but I'm still learning how to stretch my patience so its thinnest is still thick. 

I've tried to scrap this post a bunch of times because I don't feel like I'm describing all of my self-doubts well. It's just a post saying that among the sunshine and roses, I struggle at times, but I know this is a just a phase as two separate strangers told me yesterday after two separate tantrums at two separate stores. I remind myself that it's not like Gandalf will be standing tall at the end shouting, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS," to this phase nor any of the others.

Or at least I pray that he isn't. 


20 comments :

  1. Girl. I got you. Ruby is 18 months old, and she's been having tantrums since, oh, 10 months? Just today we were at the grocery store, and she cried the ENTIRE time. Because I wouldn't let her walk. Because I wouldn't let her hold a Minnie Mouse CHAIR. Because I wouldn't let her have an Elmo sandwich holder. Because I wouldn't let her repeatedly throw a bag of beans on the floor.

    I don't know how other parents handle it at all. Sometimes the tantruming makes me so angry that I become bitter and resentful and even a little mean. I try to remind myself that not only is SHE growing, but so am I. And I give myself a little grace. And I APOLOGIZE immediately, and she's so very, very forgiving. You're right -- the forgiveness is something we all need to learn from our children. Not only to forgive other people, but also ourselves.

    ANYWAY -- I just want to say you definitely aren't alone. Maybe there are moms who completely have it together (doubtful), but I think most of us struggle through it until we get to the other side. I look at my mom, and she has so much more patience with my daughter than I do and I know it's because she's been through this already.

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  2. I feel like I went through my own terrible two's during the middle of my son's second year. He was testing me and I was failing horribly. I really had to step out and take a good long look at what kind of parent I wanted to be and what kind of parenting I wanted to do and change myself, but it was hard but it got better. You'll get better at dealing with the tantrums - the more work you do now to foster love and respect in your children the smoother the road should be down the line. I remind myself of that daily, hard work now should, God willing, pay off in the future.

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  3. That post by Simcha was so spot on. My oldest is only 7 but it stuck a chord so deeply. I already have such ease on the horizon. I know it'll just get better. In retrospect, it's amazing how fast those hard, deep-in-the-trenches years go by. You really are in them, and they feel endless, and then you blink and they're gone.

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  4. It does get easier! Thomas is only 4 but he is so much easier than a 2 or 3 year old. Maybe I am crazy but the tantrums seem to be less (or maybe I am just less bothered by them) the more kids we have. Number 4 will be here soon and even with Andrew's very high medical needs, I am very ready for a break in the boredom. Sounds crazy but really, life was much more chaotic when I had a two year old and a baby (ok, the two year old, 1 year old, and new sick baby was the worst...) than now. Hang in there and who cares about Cheerios all over the floor :)

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    1. Thanks, Morgan! You are wonder mom.

      And luckily I can overlook Cheerios like a champ ;) It's a gift.

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  5. You are awesome- I loved this post and can relate to every single aspect in its entirety. I think maybe Bernadette and Ryan are soul mates, or maybe that would be too many tantrums (?). Let's get together soon and we can commiserate!

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  6. Love this post and thanks for saying it. I'm struggling to get used to having a newborn and like you described I keep comparing myself to moms with more kids and feeling inadequate. We all have those struggles at times! But we also have what it takes to get through them and that's what matters.

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    1. You are right, Tess! Cuddle that sweet Frankie!

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  7. Hey just remember that moms with lots of kids were moms with only one or two at one point, and if we look like we're doing it better it's probably just because we have learned that every stage is temporary and we don't sweat the small stuff anymore. You're an amazing mom who inspires me!!

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  8. Oh Katrina, did you write this after secretly observing me?! So many points are hitting home, Easton would easily try his darnedest to take Ryan's Gold in Toddler Tantrums (which would totally result in tantrums from all participants). I have at least 20 drafts sitting over in the ol blog about how often I'm drowning and that it will never, ever ever get any better (sing that like Tay swift). Our boys are 2 years and 2 weeks apart and I am constantly praying for mothers with less spacing and more kids and actual problems because I *should* be able to handle this! Thank you for reminding me that being the same age mother as our child, will lead us to a tantrum or three :) thank you, thank you this was just what I needed to hear on a day like this.

    I know we don't know each other, but you write so openly and honestly that I feel like I do, you are a great mom. These trials are what we look back on when the boys graduate or open their own business or whatnot and say "that's why he made it, he's always been stubborn and hardheaded but the heck if it didn't drive him to success." You will make it past these days and your boys will grow out of it, just like we all have grown with each baby blessing we recieve. Prayers for you and yours. xo

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  9. I think every mom out there can relate to this post. The first three years with any baby are the absolute hardest. Hang in there!

    And try not to compare yourself with the image other people present on their blogs/instagram accounts/facebook pages. Most people are putting on a show anyway. Comparison is the thief of joy. - Teddy Roosevelt

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  10. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for writing this!! You are definitely not alone in this. I have a 4 year old that throws epic tantrums daily and an almost 2 year old that a temper has just popped up in. Days can be rough, but its the horrible awful no good days that are getting us to heaven. Offer it up! ;) Just know that so many other moms are struggling with the same things…temper tantrums from their babies and huge tantrums thrown by themselves…so glad to know that I'm not the only one.

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  11. Thank you for putting the blog post out there. I'm nowhere near toddler tantrums yet, but I do find myself throwing fits about my mothering skills. I am guilty of the comparison game. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. Hang in there, mama!

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  12. Oh my goodness, Katrina...thank you for this! This is exactly what I was needing to read this morning!

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  13. All I can say is: yes. It is VERY hard with little one(s), no matter how close in age or whatever. And I'm convinced from years of nannying and nephews that 2-3 is the WORST age, and 4 gets considerably better. I like reading the Montessori insights about the why behind all the crap that they put out. ha! And that Simcha article was so so so good for me to read! I think I read it back when it came out, when I wasn't even engaged. Now I'm like, "YES! Thank you!". Thanks for this :)

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  14. Oh Katrina, amen. Reading blogs can be a really great thing (for these types of posts exactly! Solidarity!) and a really horrible thing because I look at other moms and go, "she's got endless patience. She never loses it with her kids. Her kids' childhoods are unicorns and Neverlands abounding." Then I read this type of thing and think, oh thank God. It's not just me. So....thank you.

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  15. I finally got a chance to come back and read this and... solidarity friend. I'm not even experiencing the terrible twos yet. Michael has him moments but I often think of how good he really is. Then I think of how bad I struggle some days with such a good kid and I feel inadequacy all around. It's true though... we're young mamas. It will pass. Someday. :)

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  16. We have ALL been there! And you will get more experienced and wiser and more relaxed as you go on. I read a book when my oldest was two and I re-read it with every single two-year old that came into my house. It's a John Rosemond book and it's called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. It was literally a sanity saver and I recommend it to everyone. I had one who was the KING of all tantrums. He was literally going to be the death of me. He's still a bit on the crazy side, but at 15 he's the most kind hearted, loving child. He has tons of friends and is a natural leader. He has so many wonderful gifts and I thank God every day that I didn't kill him.....! You're doing great - loving them is the best and most important thing you can do.

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  17. Hang in there. :) I only have two and when they were your sweet sons' ages, I remember curling up in a ball on our couch after they were finally (FINALLY) asleep one night and telling my husband that I was losing my mind. I was impatient, yelling, overwhelmed, and miserable a good portion of the time. Hormones are still wacky at this stage for the mama and kids can sense it...I swear they can! And then they attack! Like an adorable, sticky flock of velociraptors all wanting to nurse or hug or be read to. :) Don't be afraid to rest, rest, rest. The only way I overcame that stage of mothering was through the gentle and frequent guidance and prayer from my beloved spiritual director and my husband. It took months, but I've come up from the sea of tantrums. My spiritual director encouraged me to say a Hail Mary whenever I gave into my impulse to be angry and snap at the little tantrum-thrower, so that whatever damage I've done to their little souls would be healed. Plus, I've never known Our Blessed Mother to leave a struggling mother unattended as she whispered a pleading Ave for help from above.

    And for what it's worth, I don't have that knack either. At all! I love your blog and your stories and your beautiful family. Each person has a niche.

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  18. just had to comment and say i hear ya! i feel ya! i'm there too! i found your blog through regina, or maybe ana? haha either way just wanted to share love and prayers, from one grateful yet overwhelmed and blessed mother to another.

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