Friday, October 24, 2014

That Mother Forgetfulness

I have a pretty good memory. It could almost be called uncanny, but the number of times a day I search for my keys keeps its ego in check.  I don't forget much, but I'm grateful for the universal ability of mothers to be forgetful of one very specific and monumental thing - birth and the time soon after. 

Following his birth, Ryan was going to be an only child. That long list of baby names I had at the ready for our passel of future children was now useless. Maybe we could use it on pets down the road. I couldn't do it again. Sure, he was worth it. Father, mother and son, we fit. Yes, we fit well together. Still, the scent of his new life was only addictive to a point; it was as calming and heavenly as it could be, but it lacked mind-wiping powers. I couldn't do it again. 

I operated in a blur of shock, a blur dotted with many adorable moments, but a blur of memories that made me feel like a deer in headlights. It was too much. It being the lack of progressing, the three hours of pushing, the ring of fire, the stitching up as little as I needed to be stitched, the starting the marathon of parenting at 4:58am immediately upon crossing the finish line of the marathon that is birth, the stinging and painful recovery, the tick I was close to developing if  my peri bottle weren't near, the fear of the going to the bathroom, the process of peri bottle, patting ever so slightly, but never delicately enough, pad change, numbing spray, tucks pads, the waddling back to bed, the burning each time after he latched, the contractions that ripped through my back while we nursed, the cluster feeding, the distaste for any clothing or bra because my nipples were sore and raw, the terror of imagining I wouldn't be able to find that precious tube of lanolin, the sharp tingly let down, the swing of hormones, the severe engorgement with no relief, the lying down on the floor next to our closet with white noise roaring from our bathroom vent each night, the overwhelming and overheated feeling when nursing a fussy baby around other people, the watching your poor baby being stuck over and over by an inexperienced ER nurse at six days old, the keeping vigil under the bilirubin lights, the feeling tremendous guilt and sadness from learning at two weeks that he had been suffering from a broken collarbone from birth, the hurting from the clogged duct from Hades and more and more and more. That was it. And that was it

New motherhood was raw. I needed some time to stew. 

Three months later, he was maybe going to be an only child. Six months later, the baby fever had taken over. Excellent job, mother forgetfulness. 

That Sunday when I was sick, when our child that wasn't going to be was tucked in against me, I realized that I was very happy we hadn't used the name Conor on a pet. 








16 comments :

  1. I feel that. After my first I knew I wanted more kids because there was no way I was going to have an only child, but I didn't know when I would be ready to have another. That time came that I was ready and I feel it coming even faster this time around.
    He is such a cute little guy.

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    1. Oh yes, it came so fast after Conor. I got baby fever when he was a few days old. Crazy.

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  2. For much of that description of post-partum I was: yes yes yes! Or more like: no no nooooo! I think mother forgetfulness is still working through me, but its good to hear that though you still remember everything very clearly, the sting of it is faded. My son is 9 months old and it wasn't until about 2 months ago that I looked at a picture from newborn days and my first thought was not one of panic!

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    1. The newborn days are so rough the first time - I promise it gets better with the second. Conor as a newborn was like a vacation from the start - and he was even slightly colicky.

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  3. It's a good thing I (generally) enjoy being pregnant, because indeed those postpartum days are the worst. Your post made me a little nervous for what is to come with #2, but I survived it once so I suppose I can do it again!

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    1. I adore being pregnant, too. And recovery with the second was a million times better. Really! The only thing that was worse was the strength of the afterbirth contractions.

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  4. I haven't been there yet, but not for lack of trying! I love the way you write. It paints such a real (and kind of scary) picture, but I know it will all be worth it. I'm glad I found your blog!

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    1. Thank you for being here, Mary Beth! I'm sorry it was kind of scary! All worth it and fleeting looking back at it.

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  5. Adorable post! (After 2 babies, I can say that-ha!) thanks for being brutally honest, too! Praise God for that forgetfulness and second babies :)

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  6. Ahh, I know what you are saying, but I don't think I can relate all that much - though I was heavily medicated throughout most of my labor, delivery, and postpartum ;) Thus it was less traumatizing, I'm sure. I have a constant, lingering baby fever, haha.

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    1. I need to read your birth story! I have a bunch on my list - it's fun to have a birth story list, huh? Oh I have had constant lingering baby fever this time around! After Conor's labor and delivery, I felt like I had had a brisk workout. Thus - I've been all about the babies ever since!

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  7. The first one about did me in too. I felt the same way -- she's going to be an only child, poor thing. But God had other ideas, and after the second, I actually DO want more! ;)

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  8. Yes. For a long time, I couldn't imagine how on earth I could all of that all over again. Nothing was particularly rough or traumatic, I just felt in over my head most days. But, I think I'm starting to come out of the fog because I've got hardcore baby fever these days!

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  9. Gosh, this post hit home for me as I am 5 months pregnant with number 2. Every time I think about the birth and newborn days I feel like I have a slight panic attack, so I'm just in a little bit of denial about the whole thing. I remember having that exact same thought while holding my son at only a few days old - "Ok we are NEVER doing this again" - and here we are :)

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    1. I promise newborn days with the second are much more like a vacation than with the first!

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