Conor's Birth Story, Part II

 Part I

I was hit with a reeeeally hard contraction, and I was now alone. All through the pregnancy, I had been pretty nervous about going through labor again. For me, anticipating labor with the second baby was worse than with the first, I think because now that I had gone through it once, I knew how hard it was. Chris had to listen to months of variations of, "Do you think I can do it?" He always kindly reminded me to look at Ryan. 

However, now that I was alone, I had no confidence in my ability to get through what was about to come. I'm normally silent during contractions, but I started to whimper and mutter doubts like, "I can't!" I decided to get in the shower to see if I would be able to relax so I got mostly undressed before another contraction came. Once that one was over, I remembered that the shower was the opposite of relaxing while I was timing my contractions earlier, and I wasn't about to stop timing them now.

Three minutes apart. Two and a half minutes apart. Two minutes, twelve seconds apart. Closer and worse. I tried to breathe through the contractions, but by the time a few seconds had passed, my confidence would be gone, and I cried out. I kept listening for the sound of the garage door. Nothing. It takes less than ten minutes to get to Alexandra's so Chris should have been back. I started walk around our room during the contractions while trying to pray Hail Marys and Our Fathers. The baby felt so low that it was much more of a waddle than a walk.

Finally after thirty minutes, I called Chris. I was basically crying into the phone asking him where he was. He was one street over and about to be home. When he came into the house, he found me in the bedroom right as a contraction was reaching its peak. I went down to the floor whimpering, "I can't! I can't!" Chris now says that he thought the baby was going to come right then and there, ha.

Chris told me to get dressed right away and ran my bag up to the car. We had a similar short discussion to the one that occurred right before we left for the hospital with Ryan. I wanted to wear my boots and told Chris to grab them from the closet. I won last time, but this time Chris won. He still thought the baby was going to be born very soon and my moccasins were closer so that is what made it on my feet.

As we were about to go up the stairs to the garage, Chris casually mentioned, "I got you Chipotle!"

What.

I wasn't exactly kind nor did I express gratitude when I found out that he had stopped on the way home from dropping Ryan off while I was having contractions less than three minutes apart. Granted, he didn't know they were that close because they had been about four minutes apart when he left and the food was for me, not for him, but still. Still!

Maybe I should retire that see-through shirt ... 

The drive to the hospital started out horribly. I did not want to be sitting. I kept squirming through the contractions, which only made them worse. I commented that we were going to switch health insurances because the hospital we were going to now takes fifteen minutes to get to as opposed to the five minute drive to the other hospital. Chris called my dad to let them know that we were on the way to the hospital and was way too polite for his laboring wife's taste when my dad kept talking and a contraction was starting. "Just hang up!!" I commanded. Sorry, Dad!

After that horrible contraction was over, I proclaimed that I was going to get the epidural. (Chris doesn't remember this, he just said. Good thing I am the one writing this! Or would you prefer ... there were contractions, she pushed, the baby was born?) Then I told Chris to forget that I said that because I wouldn't be able to get one quick enough anyway.

He told me to try and relax through the next contraction. I was a ball of self-confidence and huffed and puffed and told him that I couldn't. The contraction began, and Chris talked me through it. He instructed me to relax my forehead, then jaw and all the way down to my toes. Breathe in and out. He reminded me that we were going to meet our baby soon. He kept talking softly until the contraction was over.

It worked.

I was so relaxed that I felt like I was in a trance and as the contraction subsided, I almost felt like I was asleep. I didn't say anything again until I told him to start the timer again. We repeated this until we got to the hospital, and oops ... we had no idea where the labor and delivery wing was. Chris parked as close as he could to the main entrance, and then we made our way to the door. I walked straight through the grass. I just wanted to be able to lay down as soon as possible. Chris helped me through a contraction outside the hospital and right in front of the reception desk, and I remember there were people walking by so I was extra conscious that I didn't scream out in pain or anything to scare women from having babies.

After all the tedious name, date of birth, yada yada yada collecting and a whole lot of me wishing they could just scan me and see that I needed to be in a delivery room stat, the receptionist led us to a row of backless padded benches to wait for a nurse to come get us. I promptly laid down and waited for the next contraction.

The next contraction was the best contraction of my life. It's true! Chris instructing me to relax, Chris whispered, "Think of the look Ryan gives you when he wakes up from a nap." I instantly remembered a couple days before when I was sitting at the computer, and I heard the door handle of his bedroom door jump and then the door swing open. His little pitter patter started and when he came round the table to see me at the computer, he shouted, "Mama!" and started running at me with his stout arms pumping and pumping. Once I imagined those little, enthusiastic arms and thought of another little one growing up and someday erasing my momentary dread that naptime was over with one little swing of his or her arm, I seemed to have all the power in the world to get through that contraction with minimal suffering. I replayed those little frames of time in my mind over and over until the contraction had departed.

It was a good thing that Chris had planted that moment in my head because the contractions started coming right on top of each other and were almost a minute and half long. The nurse came out with a wheelchair and started asking me questions like how long my contractions had been going. When she heard that it was my second baby and how close my contractions were, she pushed a little bit faster. When I muttered that I was 3.5 cm and 50% on Wednesday and then requested that we stop so I could sit through a contraction and tried to get out of the wheelchair, she apologized and said that we had to get upstairs now. I obeyed.

We made it to triage, they handed me a sample cup and a hospital gown and my complete disregard for who sees me while in labor began. I started to take off my pants before the door was even shut because I wanted to speed through everything since the contraction clock was a-ticking. I somehow managed a sample, but then a contraction started so I promptly laid down on the bed even though I still didn't have the hospital gown on. The nurse came in, strapped a heart rate monitor on my belly, and started to get even more information (seriously ... never will I desire global telepathy than when I am in labor and people are asking me questions. Although, then the curse words in  my head would ring loud and clear so maybe it is good that it doesn't exist?). She said that my midwife had been called. Then a resident came in to the room, introduced herself, and said she was going to check me.

I am always so nervous when they check me in triage because what if all of those intense contractions were for one measly centimeter of dilation?

"I think your fully dilated."

Oh, hallelujah!

Well, that hallelujah was downgraded to a thank goodness when the nurse checked the resident's checking (not very gently I might add ... ) and declared me at 9 cm.

With that very green light of dilation, they promptly threw a sheet over my bottom half and moved me via bed to the delivery room. I had Chris lay the bed down flat. I craved laboring on the bed just like I did with Ryan. I just laid there silent and with my eyes closed while everyone was bustling around getting the room set up. Pretty soon after I was on the delivery bed, I felt a lot of liquid. 

"Ummm I think I peed or my water just broke." 

The nurses lifted the sheet and saw that it was nice and clear. I could feel that the baby was lower. I mentally could not wait to push, but I didn't actually have the urge to push yet. My nurse asked me what I would like to do in terms of pain management, and I somehow politely told her that I would be okay without any. Chris whispered that we had done the Bradley method with our first, and we were doing it again. For some reason, I am always really sensitive about being polite when I'm in labor and apologize about everything from the nurses changing the pads on the bed after my water breaks to not talking with them. I never get to ask them if they mind those things, but I now that I look back, I assume that they don't!

A bit later, I felt some pressure and pushed a little just because and out came quite a gush. My water hadn't broken completely the first time. Patty, the midwife I had seen the most throughout my pregnancy and who conveniently was on call, wasn't at the hospital yet. I remember being bummed that she wasn't there because I had some delusion that once she arrived, I would have the urge to push. The attending OB came in to introduce herself since I was so far along. I had told them that I was okay with her delivering the baby when Patty walked in! Sadly, the urge to push did not arrive.

She checked me and told me that I was at a nine, but that the baby was a bit posterior otherwise known as sunny side up. Immediately, I thought of Grace's pushing marathon with Theo. Oh boy. If I took around three hours to push Ryan out, how in the world was I going to push a sunny side up baby out even if he or she was my second? Patty asked me to keep relaxing through contractions in the hope that I would dilate and the baby would turn, which was not the synchronized midwife arrival and urge to push commencing I had envisioned. I begged Chris to talk to me about Ryan and meeting our new baby so I could get through the contractions.

After a few contractions, Patty checked me again. The baby was still in the same position, and she said there was even more of a lip of my cervix (after delivery, she told me that it seemed that my cervix had actually dilated back to seven or eight centimeters, but she didn't want to discourage me with the fact that I had regressed that much. Smart). She had me switch positions. I whimpered that I just wanted to be able to push. They raised the back of the bed up and I squatted in front of it and leaned on it with my arms hanging over it.

A couple of contractions later, I said that I felt like I had to push. I pushed and Patty tried to push the lip of my cervix over the baby's head. It didn't work so Patty had me lean over the back of the bed again and said that if I was able to sit through a few more contractions, the baby would arrive sooner than if I kept pushing with the baby in the wrong position and possibly cause my cervix to swell. I tried to argue with them, but nope, I had to wait. I looked miserable, whimpered some more and then leaned back over the bed. Those contractions were so horrible because I knew I was so close to being able to push, and I did not want to sit through any more. Amid all of my whimpers and doubts, Chris kept encouraging me through each of them. I just kept rolling my rosary through my fingers and praying and praying.

Finally, finally, we had good news when Patty checked me. I was 10 cm, there was no lip, and the baby was in a better position. I could push! Patty asked me if I had something else that I wanted to wear instead of my shirt that had never made it off because she likes to put the baby right on the mother's chest after birth. I breathlessly started to tell her that was fine, I just never made it changing! Chris brought me the black sports bra that I wore when I had Ryan (surprise, surprise). Then Patty asked me if it would be okay if the resident caught the baby. I said yes although I will admit that I was a bit concerned about tearing for a hot second since she had mentioned that it was her very first week, but honestly I just wanted to push.

I first tried to push the way that the Bradley method talks about - a modified squatting position on the bed. My arms were under my knees with my elbows up and my chin was at my chest. When a contraction started, I took three full and deep breaths and then held my breath on the last one and pushed with all of my might. I was determined to be a good pusher this time. It was such a relief to push because there was no pain; it was just a whole lot of effort and exhausting. Once after a contraction, I told Chris that he could check the score of the Notre Dame game ... he didn't though! This was the first Notre Dame game that he missed watching in nine years. Blood is thicker than football fandom. They could see the head slowly coming, but the baby's heart rate was a little slower than before so they started giving me oxygen in between pushes.

After a few pushes that way, Patty had me start pushing on my side. I pressed my face against Chris' stomach, held (okay, squeezed to death) onto his arm, and pushed with all of my might. The baby moved down. I did a couple more pushes on my left side, and then Patty was concerned about the baby's heart rate so she turned me onto my right side in case the baby was on the umbilical cord. She then told me that she had gone ahead and paged the doctor in practice because the heart rate was a bit lower than she was comfortable with. If she wanted to scare me a bit, she did. I pushed so hard with the next contraction until I felt the ring of fire as the baby's head crowned. I didn't even care how much it burned because I just wanted the baby to be born healthy and as soon as possible. They had me stop pushing so I didn't tear. At the next contraction, I buried my face against Chris, clutched my rosary and pushed and pushed until the shoulders came out, and I felt that life giving slip - life for our new baby and life for us as parents of two.

Patty immediately put that sweet life on my belly (the baby couldn't go any farther because the umbilical cord was a short one). While she was putting the baby on my belly, I kept asking, "Chris! What is it?! What is it?!" He laughed and said he thought it was a boy although he wasn't completely sure. 

Well, it was a boy. A second son.

I looked down at him. Just like on our wedding day and just like when we met our firstborn, I wasn't overcome with tears. I felt completely present, completely overcome with love and as completely with God as I imagine I can feel on this earth; the privilege and blessing to give birth to the greatest manifestation of my love with Chris is the holiest experience I have yet to encounter.

As I held our son, our Conor Daniel Harrington, I noticed that his hands were clasped as though he was praying. 

Two minutes old and praying hands already

I have been praying for him for so long, and I am so honored and happy that I get to for the rest of my life.

Conor's Birth Story, Part I

On Friday night around 10, I started to hit my normal wall that can't even be blown down by a second wind and started to fall asleep on the couch while cross-stitching. Wow, if you read that sentence again, you so cannot guess that I am twenty-four. In the midst of the nodding head and accidentally poked fingertips, I noticed that I was having slight cramps in my lower back every ten minutes or so. Finally after my fingers had had enough, I got up and told Chris that I was retiring for the night. I mentioned the cramps and that I thought they were Braxton-Hicks since they were so light.

We had been hoping that I stay pregnant until the following weekend for various reasons, and it seemed like I was going to. I felt as perfect as you can while pregnant! With Ryan, you could tell that his entrance into the world was coming. Swollen ankles, retaining water, Braxton-Hicks, crazy, hormonal pregnant woman not fitting into any clothes, etc. But at 39 weeks, 6 days with this one, I was not swollen one bit, had barely any practice contractions as I like to call them, my hormones were pretty well behaved (maybe Chris would have a different opinion on this ... ) and I still had clothes to wear as long as I stayed on top of the laundry. At my appointment on Wednesday, I was 3.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced, but after reading many extra-expert forums of expectant mothers claiming they were 75% effaced for weeks, I decided that the measurements meant nothing. I called my dad on Friday night, and I boasted that I wasn't going to go into labor soon.

The next morning, Ryan woke me up at 5:40 as usual. He had a PB & J for breakfast and so did I. We settled onto the futon and began reading like we do pretty much every morning. In the midst of Ryan's animal imitations, I noticed that I was having cramps. When they kept coming, I started casually glancing at the time on my phone whenever they started, and they were about seven minutes apart. I didn't really think much of them.

At 7:30, I went to wake Chris up, which happens every day. But on this particular day, he woke up startled and played the stereotypical father in the movies. "Is it time?!" came from him as he threw the blankets to the side before I even mentioned anything at all about the cramps. I wasn't even planning on saying anything at the time. His reaction made me stop and think. Is it time? Chris told me to rest and start timing them. So I got back into bed with my cross stitch and opened up the contraction timing app that was still on my phone from Ryan's labor. Cross stitch and an iPhone app: a geriatric and Millenial combination. The contractions were about forty-five seconds long and four to six minutes apart, were getting stronger and they weren't stopping. We were in the baby delivering business, people.

Early labor with my early riser

Since we had been hoping for a late delivery, we had planned to not do any baby stuff until the very end, thinking that we could trick my body into knowing when I was ready for the baby to come. Out of bed, I jumped. In between timing contractions, I threw a bag together for Ryan and then started packing one for myself and the coming babe. I went up to the attic to bring down the newborn clothes so I could wash a few onesies and the polar bear sleeper that Ryan came home in. Next, I cut Chris' hair because who knew when I would do that again post baby. Once the onesies were in the washer,  the bags were packed, and Chris' hair was cut, I started to bake a pumpkin pie.

I like to stay active during early labor to keep my mind off of the contractions, and I'm really sentimental about repeating things. For example, when I guessed Chris was going to propose to me, I purposefully wore the same shirt that he had first kissed me in. When I went to the Grotto at Lourdes, I wore the scarf that was around my neck when we got engaged at the Grotto on campus which is a replica of the one at Lourdes. Etc., etc., I'm a weirdo. Anyway, a few weeks ago when I was grocery shopping, I picked up pumpkin and evaporated milk not just because it is fall, but also because I wanted to have the ingredients to bake a pumpkin pie on hand for when I was in early labor just like I did before Ryan was born. Washed clothes for the baby? Not a priority. Pumpkin pie ingredients? Priority.

I told Ryan that I was going to bake a pumpkin pie. He shouted, "Baking! Watch!" and then ran off. He returned with his bath toys, lined them up along the sink and proclaimed, "Watching!"

Then he moved them so they could get a better view.

After the pie had been pushed into the oven, I went to go take a shower. The contractions were definitely picking up in intensity, but not in frequency. I was frustrated because now that I was in labor, I just wanted it to be fast and furious. I wanted to meet the baby that afternoon.

While in the shower, I didn't want to stop timing the contractions because I was so hoping that they would get close enough to really mean something. We weren't going to leave for the hospital until they were three minutes apart or so because I didn't want to labor in the hospital long. I like laboring at home. Every time a contraction would start, I would have to open the shower door, dry off my hands, open my phone, and then begin the time. By the time all of that was finished, the contraction would be really strong, but I wasn't in a good mindset to relax through it. This whole process did not help me relax at all, and I kind of hated it so I just got out of the shower.

I started to curl my hair since I hadn't washed it. I was able to relax through the contractions more since I didn't have a multi-step process to undergo in order to start the timer. This is another thing that I seem to like to do while in labor. With Ryan, I painted my toenails, blew dry my hair and did my makeup. It never makes any sense (but, then again, when do I ever make sense?) because I always plan to get in the tub at the hospital, plus labor isn't exactly a walk in the park so whatever amount I primp, it is all going to be long gone by the time the baby arrives. Nevertheless, it keeps my mind off of the coming contraction so I do it.

A crooked picture frame and a penguin bath toy keeping me company. And here is more proof that I am a sentimental weirdo ... that is the same shirt I wore to the hospital while in labor with Ryan.

Chris' job that morning was to spend time with Ryan so I could relax as much as possible. He would check on me periodically to see how things were going. I could hear the cheers coming from upstairs where they were watching the Manchester United match, which is always a good sign. By 11:40, the pie was cooling, the hair was curled and I settled down on our bedroom floor to labor. I laid down on my left side in the runner's position from the Bradley method book that really helped me reach 7 cm by the time we got to the hospital with Ryan. Chris and I have never taken a Bradley course; we just read the book with Ryan and then reread three chapters during my last week of pregnancy. It is definitely a dated book and Dr. Bradley thinks very highly of his own method and isn't afraid to show it, but his husband-coached method really works for us.

The game was over so Ryan started to come looking for me. Chris told him that Mama needed to rest so Ryan put his hands on my cheeks, "Mama." Then he laid down next to me on the floor and fell asleep. Naptime the whole week prior had been such a battle with lots of crying and protesting and screaming. But somehow his little toddler heart knew what his mama needed right at that moment. I know that that moment, that picture of his innocent and caring face with his brown eyes somehow containing compassion beyond his age slowly closing under his curly head of hair will always be with me.

I ate a roast beef and cheese sandwich made by Chris (thanks, Laura and Luke!) and stayed on the floor for his whole nap. My rosary that my friend Aubry brought me home from the Holy Land was clutched in my hand, and I rolled it around in my fingers in between contractions (yep, you guessed it ... I used the same rosary for Ryan). My contractions were still concentrated in my lower back (Glory, back labor!). I started offering up each contraction for various intentions on my mind. Praying and offering up the pain helped an immense amount.

By the time Ryan woke up around two, the peak of the contractions were really intense and much more painful than before, but the spacing of the contractions were still only about four minutes apart. I was so discouraged because I thought we would have met the baby by now. Chris took Ryan to play in the living room, and I followed because staying in our room just didn't seem to be working. However, soon after camping out in the living room I realized that I could no longer be around sound during my contractions. Back to our room, I went. The contractions were no longer of the level that I could handle on my own. I needed Chris to be there.  I texted Alexandra who was graciously taking Ryan while we were at the hospital and told Chris that Ryan had to go now. 

Chris grabbed Ryan's bag and asked if he needed to pick anything up for me to eat. I told him that I didn't want to eat anything. Chris was concerned that I wouldn't have enough strength throughout the rest of labor and to push the baby out because I took so long with Ryan so he kept insisting that I eat something. I told him I would have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if I had to eat something.

I told Ryan that he was going to play with Peter, Mary Frances and James like I had told him for the past few weeks would happen when I went to the hospital. He kept saying mama and making me cry. Finally, he gave me a kiss and Chris carried him off. I heard the garage door open and close.

And then it started.

Meeting Our Firstborn: Part II

Ryan is sixteen months old now so that is perfect timing for his birth story, right? When I was pregnant with him, I pored through all of the birth stories that I could find. I couldn't read enough, and those stories of mothers and fathers meeting their child for the first time helped me immensely in my own preparation to meet our baby. As late as it is, I want to share our story with hope that it might be able to help, entertain (as you can tell, my version of entertainment is really thrilling) and hopefully not scare an expectant mother too much. In true Katrina style, it is quite verbose. I apologize in advance to your tired eyes. 

Part I

I started another contraction almost immediately, and never did I think that I could feel so much joy during one. Seven! This baby will be out in no time! We moved to the delivery room, and I had to endure a couple more contractions in the hallway.

We met our labor nurse, Amy. I wasn’t going to write a birth plan because I had heard that most nurses think they are silly, but my midwife told me that the nurses at my hospital actually appreciated them so they knew more ways to help. I lay down on the bed again and closed my eyes as I entered another contraction. When I opened them, I saw Amy walking around, my birth plan in hand, turning off any extra lights. My heart swelled, and from then on I considered her an angel throughout the whole process.

I could only dwell on that pleasant thought for a moment because I felt so nauseous all of a sudden. I knew I was going to throw up and rushed to the bathroom. Well, you can bet that I didn’t eat Hotbox pizza for a while after the birth.

They had to put an IV in my arm since I needed the antibiotics for Group B Strep, and they told me that it would take at least thirty minutes for the drugs to enter my body and I couldn’t get in the water until then. I was crushed. My mom had told me how amazing being covered in water felt during her contractions with my little sister, and getting in the water had been what I had been looking forward to if contractions were only going to get worse. Amy saw how disappointed I was and decided that I could get in the tub as long as I kept my right arm with the IV on the ledge above the water. I took my gown off and stepped into the tub. This was around midnight, and Amy said that I would receive another course of antibiotics in four hours if the baby didn’t arrive by then. That became my goal; I was going to have the baby before four in the morning.

I kept trying to get comfortable in the tub, but I couldn’t fully assume the runner’s position that helped me so much because I had to keep my arm on the ledge. It was a mental block for me. I just couldn’t get around the fact that my relaxation position was imperfect so I couldn’t concentrate on relaxing and praying. I would start to curl up when the pain would reach its peak, which was the opposite of what I needed to do. Chris would remind me softly to stay still and relax, but I just couldn’t. My midwife came to check me so I got out of the tub and back on the bed. Right before she checked me, my water broke as I lay on the bed. There was so much fluid and tissue. Amy had to wipe up so much! I knew that labor was really going to pick up, and that was very scary when my planned water labor proved to be so unhelpful. The midwife checked me. Seven centimeters. Curse. That just showed how little I was able to relax in the tub.

The contractions were still mainly in my back and were taking all the energy out of me. Amy suggested that I try sitting on the birthing ball while she applied counter pressure on my lower back. The counter pressure was great, but the birthing ball was the most uncomfortable thing I had felt (yet) because the baby was so low. I didn’t stay on it for long. I was so thirsty all of the time. Chris gave me water after water. I think I started asking for water after every contraction.

I started pacing the room between contractions. What a sight I was! 40 weeks pregnant to the day belly and wearing nothing but my sports bra. Bye-bye modesty, hello not caring. After a while, I got back on the bed to try and relax. In a bit, I told them that I needed to go to the bathroom. Chris and Amy looked at each other, and I could tell that they were both thinking that I was feeling the urge to push. I assured them that I just needed to pee. About an hour of increasing contractions, my midwife checked my progress again. I had to be ten. I was seven when I came in!

Still not ten centimeters. She told me that my amniotic sac had twisted a bit so there was still a bulge of fluid. I asked if it would break again on its own or if she should break it. She reminded me that I didn’t want any interventions and that labor was really going to pick up. I remember thinking, “This is not much of an intervention! Break it now!” and silently cursed since I thought labor had already picked up. I gave her the go ahead while lying down on the bed looking at the wall in front of me. There was a clock on the upper left portion of the wall, but I refused to focus my eyes on it to see what time it was. As exhausted as I was, I had the mental awareness to know how horribly discouraging to know how long it had been with very little progress.

She broke the rest of the bag. More gushing.  I got back into the tub hoping that I would be able to push that mental block aside and relax. I immediately felt a change with the next contraction. The pressure of the baby was so intense that I felt like I had to push. (Looking back, I just didn’t know what it felt like to really have to push). I told them that I was going to push, and the midwife got ready to get in the water. The water was not a lovely sight. Bloody tissue and amniotic fluid were floating around it it, but I didn’t care. I was so tired, and I just wanted the baby to come out.

I tried to push at the next contraction and I was so surprised at how much better it was than doing nothing. They still hurt like nothing else, but it relieved the pressure which at that point had become worse than the pain. 

Of course, I couldn’t really get into a comfortable pushing position in the tub so I got out and walked around. I tried pushing while squatting, while on all fours, standing against the bed, leaning over the raised back of the bed. They could see the head when I pushed, but back to never-coming-out-land it went.

The triage nurse came in and said that she heard other nurses talking about the young men who had just arrived and were in the waiting room. Our friends from the rugby team had driven in the middle of the night from Chicago through a snowstorm to come to meet our baby. We do have the greatest friends. I'm sure they love knowing that all of the nurses were whispering about them. 

I remember pacing that room and vowing to just schedule the next birth to be a c-section. I don’t think this baby will ever come out was all I could think and say. Chris was right there to assure me that we would get to see the baby soon and his encouragement never ceased.  That man is something else, and I would be lost without him. If I ever were to doubt that he loved me, all I would have to remember was how intensely he selflessly cared for me during the birth of our baby. That will always be a glorious testimony to his love for me.

The bed became what I craved even though I hadn’t really thought I would give birth on the hospital bed. I needed something to hold me up or to lie against. I was leaning over the back of the bed barely making it through a Hail Mary when Amy suggested that I stop pushing during contractions and rest. I initially refused. I didn’t think I could stand the intense pressure.

Amy let me know that it was time for the second round of antibiotics. I was crushed. I was supposed to be holding my baby. How had it been four hours? I got in the water. I’m not sure what I was thinking since it never worked for me. My exhaustion seemed to have reached its peak. The contractions were right on top of each other and I just lay in the water barely moving.

“I can’t believe she is doing that. Is she really snoring?” I heard Chris whisper incredulously to Amy.

What a video that would have been. Almost naked, huge belly, and sawing a log. My body was so tired it was sleeping through the thirty seconds between contractions. I felt like I didn’t even have control over it anymore...it was almost like I wasn't even in my body anymore, but yet I was completely enveloped in pain. My midwife came to check on me.

I somehow brought myself up to lean over the side of the tub. I breathlessly wondered, “I just don’t know how I’m going to do this.” She replied that I could always consider other options to help, and I snapped to full attention. As well-intentioned she may have been, that was not what I wanted to hear. I knew that she was tending to another labor that was much longer than mine and that she was tired, but I wanted to hear encouragement especially when I was already fully dilated and both of us were in good condition.  I didn’t respond.

I got back on the bed and stayed there. In between contractions, I would lean over the back of the bed just praying to God to help me, and then I would turn around and sit with knees wide and push. The head was getting closer and closer as slow as it was taking for me to push the baby out. Amy asked me if I wanted a mirror since it helps some woman to visualize, but that sounded despicable to me. I did not want to see what was happening and so she got a, “Noooooo, thank you.”

“We’re going to find out if we have a son or daughter soon,” Chris kept reminding me.

Will we? I thought.

Amy started to give me oxygen with hope that I would have more energy, and she started to check the baby’s heartbeat. The heartbeat was starting to drop when I didn’t change sides so she flipped me periodically since I was so limp when I was resting. I knew that I had to push through these last moments…literally. My baby had to be born. They kept telling me how close we were getting, and my midwife started to stretch me. The pain from the contractions and pressure were incomparable to the pain of her stretching me while the baby crowned. The ring of fire is truly an accurate description. For the first time, I vocalized from the pain. Before the ring of fire, I went through contractions and pushing silently. She kept apologizing and assuring me that it was for the better.

More nurses came into the room to prepare for the baby. I pushed with all of my might through that cursed ring of fire, and the baby’s head came out. I kept pushing, but nothing else happened.

All of a sudden those three nurses were at the bed. My baby’s shoulders were stuck. They pushed on my stomach and held my legs back even further. Chris had to look away because the midwife was tirelessly trying to get rest of the baby out.

Push. You have to push. All of these voices were urgently telling me. I have never been more scared in my life.

At 4:58am, I finally learned how to push with all of my might and gave birth to our firstborn.

It’s a boy. We have a son! I have never looked at my husband with so much awe and wonder as when he so proudly announced our son. I don’t think I will ever be able to accurately describe how wonderfully perfect of a moment it was to have the man who, with God, helped me to create this child look at me with that news after all of that work.

That moment carried me through our son being carried away across the room so the nurses could check him since he was stuck and there was some meconium. The midwife administered some Pitocin to stop the bleeding and to help me deliver the placenta. She also, at my request, gave me some local anesthetic before she stitched up the few interior tears. The upside to pushing for three hours was that I barely tore.

Finally, the nurse walked over and placed Ryan Donald Harrington on my chest.

I had longed for Ryan Donald for so long. One night, I dreamed that we were married and a little blond-haired blue-eyed boy was running around our little house as we playfully chased after him calling his name. His name was Ryan Donald. When I woke up, I yearned for him. I missed him, and we hadn’t even met. I wanted nothing more than to be his mother and the wife to his father. It all seemed so far away.

Then, on January 2, 2012, God finally gave Chris and me his soul to take care of. I’ll never forget the peace that I felt when his little life was placed in my arms and I looked up to see Chris staring at him in awe. “We have a son, we have a son,” was all that we could say over and over. A son. Our son.

I cry happy tears all the time. If I catch the vows of a sappy wedding show on TV, I cry. If I watch anything about birth, I cry. Yet, I did not cry when I married Chris, and I did not cry when I gave birth to our son. I think I am just so present in those moments, those sweet, indescribable moments, that all of my emotions politely excuse themselves so I can fully capture and embrace the first look of my husband at the end of the aisle and the first touch of welcoming my child into my arms.

I had envisioned a mini Chris all through pregnancy. He would have blond hair and blue eyes, just like my dream. However, when I stared at his dark hair and dark blue eyes which just screamed that they were going to turn brown, I couldn’t imagine him looking any other way. My dominant genes had won, and I remembered a night when I taunted Chris that he may be competitive and a winner, but he was no match to my genes. He didn’t seem to care about that potential and looming loss.

In addition to our little one’s hair color and eye color, I had many a time claimed that I just would not be able to handle it if our potential baby had Chris’ pout, but lo and behold, Ryan was born with a big bottom lip that will always threaten any chance of discipline. God wanted me to have a challenge. 

After Chris got to hold Ryan and relay the news to our nearest and dearest, that exhausted husband of mine entered a deep, deep slumber in the chair next to my bed. He didn’t have the adrenaline surge that I was enjoying. Ryan and I got to have our own time together. Mother and son.

I watched him nurse with his skin against mine, huddled under the token hospital blanket. He turned his head ever so slightly in my direction and his cheek moved just enough for me to catch a glimpse of a single dimple jumping on his cheek. Just like me. That dimple filled my heart. 

I was and am so thankful to that little baby boy nestled in my arms. His first task in this world was a wondrous one for his birth, his entrance to life, will always stand as our birth as parents. Thank you, my firstborn. 

What three hours of pushing will do to you: an extremely swollen face, a conehead and a whole lot of happiness

With my two sleeping boys 

Meeting Our Firstborn, Part I

Ryan is sixteen months old now so that is perfect timing for his birth story, right? When I was pregnant with him, I pored through all of the birth stories that I could find. I couldn't read enough, and those stories of mothers and fathers meeting their child for the first time helped me immensely in my own preparation to meet our baby. As late as it is, I want to share our story with hope that it might be able to help, entertain (as you can tell, my version of entertainment is really thrilling) and hopefully not scare an expectant mother too much. In true Katrina style, it is quite verbose. I apologize in advance to your tired eyes. 

On the Eve of 2012

On New Year’s Eve 2011, Chris and I sat in the Potbelly’s off of Clybourn and Webster in Chicago downing our favorite sandwiches that we so missed since we had moved away from Chicago to South Bend the month before.  Mine was filled with chicken salad, lettuce, tomato and hot peppers, and we ordered sandwiches to take home with us to eat the next day, too. I guess missing Potbelly’s is an understatement. We were killing time before we had to pick David, my brother-in-law up from the airport, and then we were going to surprise our friends at the New Year’s Eve Rugby Formal.

The rugby formal had been a huge point of contention those last few weeks of pregnancy. Chris was in favor of going as long as the roads were clear even though it was the night before my due date because he thought it would be great to see our friends rather than sit around waiting to see if my water had broken or if I just couldn’t control my bladder. I on the other hand did not want to stray from our little apartment for fear that the baby was just going to drop out of me in the middle of the party. Okay, I didn’t really think that, but I will be the first to admit that pregnancy hormones caused occasional (read: frequent) lunacy in me. I wanted to hole up and just wait for the baby to come, and since Chris disagreed with me, crazy accusations just spewed out of my mouth. He didn’t care about his pregnant wife, he regretted having a baby, he loved parties more than his baby. Ha! Anyone who knows Chris knows that without a doubt NONE of these are remotely true. Nevertheless, my pregnant brain wouldn’t relent.  I KNEW that Chris’ mom would agree with me that not going to the party was the best decision so I had him call her to ask what she would do. Imagine my surprise when she said that she would go to the party because it is better to keep doing things than just waiting around. What!!!!! Pregnancy monster tamed.  I couldn’t really ignore someone who at the time had gone through eleven pregnancies so I agreed that if I were feeling well enough and if the roads were clear, we would go to the party until midnight, kiss and ring in the New Year with our amazing friends and then head home.

I had been so lucky to have a dream pregnancy. Minimal nausea, I was able to walk two miles each way to and from work for most of the pregnancy, I could sleep other than the nightly bathroom breaks, my baby was perfectly placed and never once kicked me in the ribs or made me too uncomfortable. I felt great! At my last appointment, I asked the midwife if it was normal to feel so good when all I read about was how people could not wait to evict their womb resident as his or her lease reached full term. She laughed and said that it’s not a rule to feel miserable. Then the last week rolled around, and I. Blew. Up. My legs were like memory foam, and if I sat cross-legged, there would be a dent deeper than my desire for mac and cheese left on my leg. We went to meet up with Chris’ college roomie on December 30^th, and I tried to put on my maternity jeans that buttoned like normal jeans (thank you, elastic…). I could not button them so I made Chris try. He couldn’t do it. I remember laughing while he pulled and pulled and challenging him , “Aren’t you strong enough??” Well, it turns out that even though Chris is strong, he is not a miracle worker. The baby had dropped so low that there were inches between the button and the button hole so I had the tradeoff of finally being able to breathe versus only fitting into leggings and dresses. Tie this together with the exhaustion that had set in and our fun plans to celebrate the New Year in Chicago had a chance that was as fat as I was. It was not going to happen.

Then New Year’s Eve came, and I felt fine so we decided to go to the party, but told our friends that we weren’t so that we could surprise them. I felt like I needed to nest. All of a sudden I just had to wash all of Chris’ dress shirts and do it well. I looked up the best way to wash them, removed the shirt stays, spread a mix of baking soda and vinegar inside the collars, rinsed with vinegar, washed again, hung them to dry and then ironed them. Yeah, I can tell you that that hasn’t happened again since Ryan was born. Then I went to town cleaning the stove. All of this standing up didn’t help my swelling at all so when it came time to get dressed for the party, I had cankles the size of well, the size of my calves. Those cankles helped me walk the path to crazy pregnant lady land, and I sat on the floor in my dress in front of our closet whimpering that I couldn’t hide my cankles while Chris stood over me with a perplexed face that showed that he was debating if he should honestly answer my question about if my black tights helped slim down the cankle look or not (and release sobs) or stretch the truth and reply with a rehearsed, “Honey, you look beautiful in anything” (and release sobs). Poor husband.

Eventually, I pulled the tights on, my blue heels with sequined bows out of the closet and pulled myself together enough to face not going to the bathroom for the next hour and forty-five minutes in the car. Fast forward to the party after we had Potbelly’s dripping with hot peppers, surprised our friends with ourselves and a beach ball and freaked a few out that I might go into labor since it was my due date and all. I went to the bathroom, and (this is where it starts to get graphic for all of you non-birth-story-lov ers reading) there was mucus with blood in it. Bloody show. Great name. I knew it was a sign that labor could start soon, and I caught myself slowly breathing in and out as I realized that this all was really happening. I went back out to the party, but I kept the presence of bloody show to myself because well, it isn’t exactly social gathering conversation material. How’s your new job? Oh me? I just went to the bathroom and found bloody show. No, it isn’t a nail polish color.

Chris and I took advantage of the fact that this would be the last time with our friends without a little one in tow and had a great time. It was so heartwarming to hear how excited everyone was for the baby. We have some pretty awesome friends. The clock struck midnight for the East Coast, we kissed and cheered and then an hour later we kissed again for the central time zone. Our baby was officially not a tax savvy baby as he or she hadn’t made an entrance early enough for a 2011 tax break. We drove home and fell asleep right as our heads hit the pillows. The night had been a success.

Blowfish

New Year's Day, 2012

I woke up the next morning at 10:00 to what felt like mild period cramps…so mild that I had to concentrate on them to assure myself that I was actually feeling them. I searched for a contraction counting app on the iPhone and downloaded a free one.

Our apartment was super clean thanks to my nesting and my hospital bag was packed so I searched my brain for something to do. I realized that I hadn’t put the last album of wedding photos up on Facebook, and I better get them up before the next big event in our life. What a priority (and as I write this now with a baby I am marveling at how much time I used to have! I didn’t even appreciate it). I texted a few people while doing that, but I didn’t really say much about the regular contractions because I had this bizarre thought that if everyone knew I was in labor, I would feel so much pressure about if the baby had come yet or not. So I just kept it quiet. News flash, Katrina: everyone was already wondering about the baby’s arrival.

Late in the afternoon, I decided that I must bake a pumpkin pie. So I started to make the crust when I realized that it was almost dinner time, and I hadn’t planned anything for us to eat nor did I want to make anything. Pumpkin pie, yes. Dinner, no. I told Chris that I felt bad ordering pizza when I was perfectly capable of making dinner, and he replied that I was 40 weeks pregnant and deserving of delivery (ha ha). Love that man. Hotbox Pizza was the only place close that was open on New Year’s Day and delivering so one thin crust pizza with pepperoni and jalapenos headed our way. The contractions were picking up in intensity, but I still wasn’t in much pain, just discomfort like I had been the whole day. We wolfed down the pizza, and I went back to baking the pie.

All of a sudden I felt a change in the contractions, and I could no longer continue to do things during a contraction. I had to stop mixing the pumpkin filling to relax my body through the contraction, then I would rush through as much as I could before the next contraction came around five minutes later. The contractions still only lasted 30-40 seconds or so and I was determined to wait it out until at least midnight so I was happy that I hadn’t reach the 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long for 1 hour which is the normal point to head to the hospital. I also had tested positive for the Group B Strep so I was going to have to get antibiotics either once my water broke or once I got to the hospital. If I was just having contractions, I could labor at home until the 5-1-1 point (my midwife even said 3 minutes apart would be apart since this was my first baby and we lived so close to the hospital) which was ideal because I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible. I had prayed that it would work out this way.

Once the pie was in the oven, I got into the bathtub to see if it would help the contractions. It definitely helped me stay calm, and I tried to relax my whole body like we had practiced. Chris and I had read Husband-Coached Childbirth: The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth , but we didn’t attend any Bradley childbirth classes or anything because we were cheap and by the time we had moved to South Bend, it was too late to start one. Even the hospital childbirth class was full! I just read birth story after birth story to prepare myself, and then the Bradley book was so helpful. With each contraction, I relaxed my whole body from my forehead to my toes, taking care to relax my jaw and lips, which helped the rest of the body to relax. Chris came in and gave encouragement through the contractions by saying simple, sweet things like, “We are going to meet our baby,” and that he loved me just like the book recommended. The contractions kept getting stronger and stronger, but I was under some delusion that I was going to be able to hold out until midnight. I asked Chris if I should get out of the bathtub with the plans of getting back in the bathtub later to wash my hair or if I should just go ahead and just take a bath. I was leaning toward just getting out, but Chris could see that things were picking up and that I should go ahead and bathe. Good thing he did!

I finished bathing and then stepped out of the bathtub. I distinctly remember drying my hair with the hair dryer, having to turn it off, and then leaning on the bathroom counter to relax and breathe through a contraction multiple times. Once my hair was dry, I started to put on makeup. I knew it was going to come off since labor is not the most sweat-free task , but I needed something to do rather than wait for the next contraction to hit.

My contractions had started to become so painful that leaning on the counter did not help anymore. The pain was concentrated on my lower back…the joy of back labor. I started to be in the Bradley Method’s runner’s position during each contraction in the hope of completely relaxing my body so my cervix could dilate as quickly as possible.  I lay on my side on the floor with my legs bent as if I were running and focused on relaxing my body one part at a time while breathing in and out. I silently prayed Our Fathers and Hail Marys over and over until the contraction passed. The contractions were so painful, but still manageable when I was doing this. In between contractions, I finished drying my hair, put makeup on and then I decided that I should paint my toenails since the nurses and midwife would be seeing them. Looking back that concern is hilarious since they were going to see a lot more than my toes! It is also shows me how much time I had to kill between contractions because I rarely keep up with self-pedicures and because my nesting had made the apartment spotless. I just needed something to keep my mind off the looming contractions every few minutes.

After half an hour or so, I started to crave being on the floor even when a contraction wasn’t happening, and I knew that I needed Chris to help me relax so I called out to him. I lay down on our bedroom floor and resumed the runner’s position. I saw a text from my friend, Aubry, that encouraged Chris and me to pray for St. Gianna’s intercession. St. Gianna had just chosen Aubry the day before during her family’s annual patron saint of the year activity. Aubry had also sent me a rosary that was made from olives trees in the Holy Land, and I rolled it in my fingers in between contractions and then just let it hang from my hand when I had to relax my whole body during contractions. Chris talked to me softly through the contractions. I needed him so much. Oddly, I felt so alive. When I relaxed and prayed, it seemed like I could feel every nerve in my body screaming at me, but as I would pass the peak of the contraction, I knew it was okay. I was doing this. I was birthing our first born.

Each contraction was getting worse and worse. It felt like someone was squeezing my back in his fist the way a sibling squeezes your hand during the Our Father at Mass so your knuckles rub against each other…only multiply that by so much more. I wanted to just tense up and curl up into a little ball, but Chris’ soft words helped me to stay relaxed even though it was the last thing I felt like doing.

We thought that it might help if I lay on the bed so I moved there. Wrong. I could not relax at all on the soft bed. My body felt so uncomfortable besides the fact that I was going through labor. Back to the floor I went.

Chris saw once again that things were picking up so he started to gather our things up for the hospital while talking to me through contractions. I was not going to have any of that. The crinkle of a plastic bag, the sound of a typing on a keyboard, the sound of a zipper, anything other than Chris’ voice threw my concentration off and made me so mad. “Stop. That. Now.” Chris was no longer allowed to move around during contractions so he thought that it would be helpful to massage my head. Even worse. “Don’t do that,” I forbade him in a not so very nice tone. So Chris had to scurry around getting last minute things done in between contractions, but he had better be back by the time the next contraction started or things were going to get ugly…if they weren’t already.

At this point, I wasn’t saying much in between contractions. I would just finger the rosary, tell Chris when the contraction started so he could start the timer on the app, relax, breathe, try not to curl up into a tense ball, try not to curse, try not to whimper, pray, pray, pray, listen to Chris and then tell him when it was over. My contractions had jumped to three minutes apart so Chris made the executive decision that we needed to get to the hospital even though I frantically kept reminding him that we needed to wait until midnight, and it was only 10:30! Chris told me that that wasn’t happening and that I needed to get dressed. Yes, sir. Except not. Each time Chris came back from taking something to the car, I was still lying on the floor in runner’s position, naked as I was on my birthday. I honestly could have gotten up to dress myself, I just couldn’t imagine getting up and ruining my routine that was helping me survive. Finally, Chris had to grab my clothes and basically dress me. Chris asked me if I wanted my running shoes since they were comfortable when he saw the boots I had laid out earlier, but I replied with my priorities in line that they wouldn’t look good with my outfit. You know, my high fashion outfit of lint-covered leggings, a maternity shirt stretched to its limit and the warmest and thickest winter coat of all time. Boots, it was.

To the Hospital We Go
I ran (waddled) to the car through the snow. We were in a snow globe, the snow was falling so hard. We stopped to take a quick photo, and then I tried to relax through a contraction in the car. That was no fun. Chris slowly drove to the hospital, and it took all of three minutes to get there. Thank you, Lord! As we drove through the parking garage and saw sign after sign reserving parking spots near the Childbirth Unit for doctors, I commented very smart-aleck-y that they needed spots for mothers in labor. Chris asked me if I wanted to be dropped off at the door, but I was terrified of being without him even for one contraction so I said no. I sat through one last contraction in the car and then we scurried to the door of the Childbirth Unit.

I made it to the chairs in the waiting area when another contraction hit. I went through it silently while standing with my hand on the chair, and it was horrible. I wanted to be back on our bedroom floor. After it had passed we made the few steps to the welcome desk to give my information to the young lady working. While she was looking up my information since I had pre-registered, another contraction hit. The lady guessed correctly, “Two minutes apart?” She asked if I wanted a wheelchair or if I wanted to walk to the triage room. I replied that I would walk because the thought of sitting down through a contraction sounded so terrible when the baby’s head was so low and the pressure so great. I slouched over a rail on the wall when the next contraction hit before we reached triage.

The triage nurse gave me a hospital gown and I changed out of my clothes. I put on the black sports bra that I planned to wear because I hoped to labor in the water then I laid down on the bed in the runner’s position. The next contraction was harder, but it felt more manageable since I was able to relax much better than when I was sitting in the car or standing up in the hallway. The triage nurse (she had five kids and I remember wondering how in the world she went through this five times) started to ask me what seemed like a million questions about my medical history. I was livid on the inside. “Isn’t this what you preregister for?!” I screamed in my head. As mad as I was, I was worried about being impolite during labor so I answered all of the questions calmly during each of the short spaces between contractions. When my contractions would start, I would tell Chris to start the timer and try to relax. However, the nurse would keep typing away, and I was so annoyed on the inside. Chris thought I was going to bite her head off since he knew that I couldn’t stand any noise, but I was so scared of being mean that I didn’t say anything.

The nurse went to let the midwife know that I was ready to have my cervix checked, and I lay on the bed so scared that she would come back, check me and tell me that I was only three centimeters dilated and that I had seven more to go. At my last appointment, I had dilated two centimeters. What if all of this pain was for one measly centimeter?

My midwife came in and asked us a bit about how labor had been so far. Then the moment of truth came. I just knew it was going to be three centimeters.

“Whoa, Mama! Seven centimeters!”